Fight like hell but surrender to the outcome.

It’s another paradox. This duality.

The calm and storm of life coexisting at the same time, sometimes at the same moment.

I’ve never been one to surrender. Well, that’s a lie. I did far too often until I was 30 or so. It was present in imbalance. I entertained and soothed which is a shadow cousin to surrender. It’s the fearful one.

— — — — — — —

As I was sitting with Natalie last night, looking out over the water, ravaging a plate of roasted edamame and a delicious tuna chopped salad, I found myself trying to explain who I am again. As if I needed to just so she can understand this dark-matter-of-a-guy she committed to over 18 years ago. She nods because she knows. A wry smile crosses her face. It’s not condescending but encouraging. She knows the unending battle rages and always is open to listening. It’s one of her best qualities.

— — — — — — -

Surrender was another form of control for me back then. Control the temperature of a room. Control the tensions. Manage the people and temporary outcomes. Be liked. Be liked for god’s sake! But that creates a boil, an ulcer, not a foundation. It doesn’t create a strength or a voice. It just soothes.

So when I decided to flip the switch, and a literal internal switch it was, the fight was solely for outcome: desired result. Surrender was not part. It was an either/or proposition. One boil replaced by another. This new one had a ferocious strength that I reveled in. It made me feel more like a man but it was imbalanced. I prided myself in being able to out survive, out smart or outlast you whether in thought or deed.

But this week, the week of my birth, has been heavy laden with surrender. Everything I’ve listened to, the many conversations with old friends I’ve had, include the actual word surrender. It was as if the last two years waited until my birthday to put a word to this transition.

The I Am whispers, “You can fight like hell but you must surrender to the outcome no matter what it is.”

As I stared into the brown eyes of the Mrs. as I’ve done for 20 years now, that became so clear. The fight can only be sustained if paired with a humble surrender to the outcome. This marriage, these friendships, your work . . . fight for them but surrender to what they are.

— — — — — —

So on this day we give Thanks, I hope you continue to live fully, pursing all that is good, right and just, being creative and unrelenting in the pursuit but after it is done, whatever the circumstance, SURRENDER.

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I create space and experience…. and write a bit.

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